Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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