Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You're completely useless in the revolution.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
