We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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