There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
