Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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