Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
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