Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
