Just fell off a train. Bad.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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