We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
