I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
