I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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