She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
