The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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