There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
