In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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