I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
