I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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