I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
