I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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