I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
