She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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