Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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