he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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