he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
