Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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