I'm going to jail i love you
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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