I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
