well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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