i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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