checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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