Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
