A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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