Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
