Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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