last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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