My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
