im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
