I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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