maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
