well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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