If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
