Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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