Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
