when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
