I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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