when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
