i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
