Jerry, you need to find god
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Oh god it's open bar.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
