Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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