White coat. Heels.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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