I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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